Characters/Pairings: Casey, mentions of Casey/Kathleen
Spoilers: Up to Chuck Vs. The Tic Tacs.
Word Count: 424
Disclaimer: I don't own Chuck and never will. No copyright infringement intended.
Summary: Tonight, John Casey remembers Alex Coburn.
John Casey had worked hard to bury Alex Coburn. He tried to forget about his old life. But tonight, for the first time in years, Alex was back.
He missed Kathleen. The various women in Casey’s life could never compare to the love of Alex’s life. Alex had a family who loved him. John Casey was (had been) a colonel. Now he was a civilian who’d probably never see Sarah (no, Sam) and Chuck again..
Alex had a daughter named after him, something that he had never expected. Casey (Alex?) would never get to know her. He’d missed too much in her life, anyway. It was too late.
He had missed everything in Kathleen and Alex’s lives. There was nothing Casey could do to get those twenty years back, even though he desperately wanted to. How could he have explained all of this to Kathleen? To Alex? Would they even accept it (him)? John Casey had made his choice, and now he had to live with those choices.
It was not the first time that Casey (Alex, whispered a voice a voice in the back of his head that sounded suspiciously like Chuck.) regretted becoming an agent, but the guilt crept up all the same. Why had he made the decision to leave Kathleen and become an agent? (She had been pregnant at the time, and how could he have not known that? He should have known.)
“Stop thinking about the what if’s!” Casey screamed to his partially empty apartment. He didn’t care that his neighbors could probably hear him. Tonight was not a good night.
Being a civilian now didn’t seem like a good thing. He didn’t know how to be a civilian anymore. Alex liked it the first time around, but he had Kathleen and his family then.
John had Chuck and Sarah (And the Buy More crew and Ellie and Devon), but they’re probably gone now too. He’ll most likely never see them again.
He doesn’t know what to do next for the first time in years. There is no plan. Nothing is holding Casey back.
Tonight, he mourns the life he never got to have with Kathleen and Alex.
Tonight, he is not John Casey.
Tonight, he is Alex Coburn again.
Tonight, Alex doesn’t hold back his emotions.
Tonight, Alex does think about the what if’s.
Tonight, Alex dreams about a life where John Casey never existed.
In the morning, Alex will be shut away again and John Casey will return.
Tonight, nothing matters to Alex Coburn.
Tonight just is.